This Is Why We Fight

Or How I Finally Didn't Lose My Shit

If you’re looking for a place to slowly kill yourself, Buffalo is a pretty good place to do it.

Bars are everywhere; they open early and close at 4 a.m. Shitty food that tastes really good is ubiquitous. Vices of every kind are within easy reach. Too easy, actually, especially if you no where to look. And there are a lot of places in which to hide.

When I came back to Buffalo after taking an early retirement earlier this year, I was in a bad place mentally. The reasons don’t matter. Everyone is fighting their own battles. Mine were heavy, getting heavier and beginning to drag me under. And there were days in which I was willing and ready to succumb.

For a while, it was nice not to work — nice not to do anything at all. My days were free and I could spend them how I wanted. But, the novelty wore off pretty fast. There are a lot of hours in the day to waste and in the frame of mind I was in, I was not wasting them constructively by any means. I am ruled by emotion and I act accordingly. And, often, erratically.

I’m not a religious person, but there’s something about the Our Lady of Victory Basilica in Lackawanna that pulls me in when I’m at my lowest. I often find myself sitting quietly in an empty pew, taking in the the quiet and marveling at the awesome architectural splendor. It’s a place I go to contemplate — and pray. I’m thankful for its existence and proximity. It has brought me more peace than all the therapists I have ever had combined.

Sitting there one day, I knew it was time to get my shit together. I didn’t need the Basilica to lead me to this realization. I’m smart enough to know when it’s time to shit or wind my watch. But there’s something particularly inspiring about sitting before the shrine’s gorgeous altar and affirming your own resurrection.

I pulled out my phone and made a list in Notes. Stop being a pussy. Be a man. Stop being a dumb ass. Do something.

Yeah, writing a list is easy. Fulfilling it is something else entirely.

Nonetheless, I began my rebuild. I got a job. It’s nothing special and doesn’t pay great (which is not a huge deal since I receive a nice pension. Yes, I realize I am fortunate. And I’m thankful.) Anyway, it’s a place to go every day and contribute my talent. And it keeps me out of trouble, because as history has shown, I WILL get into trouble eventually if I have the time.

I curbed my drinking — especially in the early afternoon. I began writing again, playing drums and getting out increasingly onto the streets with my cameras to shoot.

I also have started one-on-one high-intensity training again, which has been kicking my ass but paying off … albeit slowly.

Recently, I read the Art of War, the ancient Chinese military treatise written some 2,500 years ago by famed general and philosopher Sun Tau.

“In the midst of chaos,” Tau notes, “there is also opportunity.” And, he said, “Opportunities multiply as they are seized.”

Despite my rebuild, I’m hardly fixed. I have a long way to go. Sometimes too I ask myself why I’m even bothering at all. And, I’m still fighting my private wars. But again, aren’t we all.

Life is chaos.

I guess this our opportunity.

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